Guys, here comes another serious post. So hopefully ya’ll are okay with that! If not, skip over this particular blog post.
There are certain things about me that really contradict themselves. For example, I’m often laid back when it comes to decisions, however I care deeply for the end result. A lot of people have told me I’m really laid back, however I get very stressed out about things at the same time. For example, during my wedding I would be asked what I wanted, and I would kind of defer to what J wanted or what other people thought would be best. Why not leave it up to the experts, right? But when the day came, I was stressed out about running late. The last thing I wanted was to have people waiting and I kind of snapped part way through the getting ready phase. I wasn’t the perfect bride, and everyone behind the scenes knew it. I wasn’t anyone’s favorite.
So, what does this have to do with perfection? Not much, I’m just giving a background story to help pull everything together. I want people to like me, however I’m a quiet person. But at the same time, I’m also an open book. Ever since I moved to Arizona, I’ve had a really hard time making friends and I spend my days off sitting at home with my dogs and having nothing to do. Anyway, I’m getting a little off track. With that being said, I desperately wish that I could be like some of my friends from back home. By that, I mean they are outgoing, fun, and people love being around them. They make friends easily and I just always view them as so perfect.
So what I have to move past in my life, is knowing I am not my friends. Not everyone is going to be drawn to me, I am not that outgoing person that they are, and I am not perfect. But the thing I need to remember is that it is ok that people don’t like me. My husband, my family, and my friends love me for who I am.
I also strive for perfection with everything that I do. At work, projects at home, school, basically everything. I’m competitive and stubborn and want things to go my way. I want my relationship to be perfect, I want my house to be perfect, I want my life to be perfect.
But it isn’t. It’s full of messes, insecurity, and bickering with J. My house is always cluttered, I fight with J at least once a week, and I’m scared I’m going to be stuck at this job the rest of my life.
This imperfection defines me and my life. I have anxiety having to make small talk with people I don’t know or even people at work sometimes. But this is who I am. Is there a guide to small talk? Is there a guide to making friends? Because I seriously need that!
This post isn’t exactly turning out how I wanted it to. I had all these ideas last night about what I wanted to say, but when I started writing today, it all came out in a completely different way.
My guess is that everyone struggles with this at times, some more than others. I have to tell myself every day that I don’t have to be perfect to everyone, but I’m perfect for me.
This is getting a rambly now so I’m going to end it here. Next post will something more exciting and silly!